


self-introspection [umarna]

by zadisxn



Category: Paradise Hills (2019)
Genre: F/F, i love my lesbians, paradise hills - Freeform, strictly hypothetical because the movie isn't out yet, the flower crown is a soft idea, umarna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 21:12:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17588510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zadisxn/pseuds/zadisxn
Summary: amarna crafts a flower crown in order to get to know new paradise resident, uma.





	self-introspection [umarna]

**Author's Note:**

> to vik, thank you for the idea. your tweet inspired me :')

it will relax you, _they said._

yeah, that was the point of all these classes called ‘meditation and self-introspection’. spending a full hour every day wandering around these dirt paths and thinking of ourselves ‘how did i get here and what can i do to be a better woman for the society?’.

how can i be better myself? i disappointed my fans. they all knew about me being sent here. or, at least, that’s what _they_ told me.

 _they,_ the people here who’re supposed to help you. therapists, teachers… even the cook of this place had his word about how i’m supposed to act as an XX chromosomes human being. 

 _his,_ key word. yes, one of the few in an all-girls residence. you know, i’ve seen in a lot of old movies and there’s a typical plot of a guy and a girl falling in love, and no one even minded them. they just bonded, and they didn’t even know if they were compatible. plus, the girl was able to have a job and a love life. how can she expect to be a perfect woman and make babies — her main purpose — if she can’t solely concentrate on one task at the time?

and i know it was wrong, but my feelings were conflicted about it. it’s like i developed a weird obsession with wrongdoings. this place made me think differently. and maybe i was just confused and it was all part of the therapy, but somewhere, very deep within, i knew something was wrong with this place. of course, i couldn’t tell my therapist. who knows what happened to the girls sent here before us. i’ve been here for a month, and when one leaves — more like vanishes — it’s like we’ve never heard of her before. her story is dead and buried 6 feet underground.

my mind started to drift away when i saw that new girl with bubblegum-colored hair for the first time. she looked so scared, everyone was looking at her, and so was i. she was struggling to get away from the firm grip of the duchess and others who kept this place still alive. i couldn’t say anything, nor do anything. it wasn’t new. _it happened all the time._

uma was her name. we learned that the next morning during the communal breakfast. she was describing this place as ‘fucking sick’. she said it to herself, almost inaudibly, but i’ve heard it because i was sitting next to her. _i didn’t say anything._

i still don’t know whether ‘fucking sick’ was a positive observation or just her trying to be some angsty teenager, rebelling against the laws in our society.

i don’t blame her. behind the perfect facades of this charming tropical island, i was feeling like there was something even sinister.

so i was there, subtly looking at her during self-introspection times. she arrived two days earlier, but i left like i was attracted to her. not— not anything romantic, of course, but she just seemed interesting to me. a part of me wanted to know more about this girl with pink hair.

i looked around and started to pick up the prettiest flowers and branches i could find. i was trying to craft something to get her attention, but to draw everybody else’s attention away.

 _remember, feminine solidarity is always a plus._ _also, it could be seen as a gift for a confused new girl. at the same time, perhaps i would be able to get to know her more._

with the slight tip of my fingers, i was trying to force the branches into a robust circle. then i proceeded to add the pink flowers i picked up to prettify the crown. i assured that it was tough, but perfect. with a determined step, i went towards her but she was looking the other way so she couldn’t see me. i went behind some towering siren statue.

— **hey! pssst!**

she turned around to finally face me, a confused look was drawn on her face. she took a step back.

— **i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to scare you off. i’m amarna, by the way. look, between you and me, i know your intentions.**

— **my what?** she said, like she knew what i was talking about already but she still kept that same facial expression on.

someone passed by and we quickly turned away for a moment, so they can’t suspect anything. i looked at her again and we exchanged looks.

— **accept this present, lady.** i quickly showed her the crown and she lowered her head, so i delicately put the flower crown on her head. i softly smiled, and so did she. **i know you hate this place.**

— **it’s just… i guess i’m more pissed about the reason why i was sent there.**

— **yeah, i get it.** my mind drifted for a split second.

— **what did you do?** she asked, innocently. **i mean to- to get here.**

— **let’s say i’m very confused and i don’t know what i want — nor who i want.**

— **at least you’re able to choose.**

— **oh, but i'm not.**

after a long silence, she decided to speak.

— **i get it now, you’re a pop star. right?**

— **how do you know?** i said with a surprised tone.

— **people are crazy about you on the _land_. **she rolled her eyes, amused. **but** **then you suddenly disappeared. i didn’t know you were sent here.**

— **yeah, they knew i was not like the others.** i looked at her even deeply. **neither are you.**

she wanted to say something, but she didn’t. so we stood there, in the middle of the luxurious garden, the silence growing and gradually separating us.

back to square one, when we didn’t even dare exchanging looks.

_but i was thinking about her._

_about how she probably was the reason i was sent to paradise in the first place._


End file.
